by the Oracle of Wabbey
Astrology, much like the decision to include script writing in House Games, may be a celestial mystery to me, but when it comes to predicting the poor decisions and adventures of students, consider me the school oracle. I've mastered the cosmic art of foreseeing which student will miraculously find last year’s Geography mock questions just before their exam or predict who's likely to leave their school bag in the middle of the corridor. Forget star charts; I rely on the constellations of North Faces left in the libraries and the alignment of coffee cups in the Courtyard Cafe. My predictions might not involve the placement of planets, but trust me, when it comes to anticipating the chaos of student life, I'm the astrologer you never knew you needed. I proudly present to you my predictions for the upcoming weeks, as well as some much needed advice (because god knows you could use it).
Aries: Having a fight with your teacher? Maybe get more than three hours of sleep a night.
Taurus: The Big School bathrooms aren’t your personal hotbox. Leave some air for the rest of us (and your remaining haemoglobin).
Gemini: Two-faced? More like two friends. (One if you don’t count your English teacher.)
Cancer: Tumultuous times ahead. This is the right time to drop French.
Leo: Lower your voice. We can all hear you screaming in the A Block.
Virgo: You can find your school uniform in Junior House lost property.
Libra: He has curtains. He is not the love of your life.
Scorpio: Being on the A team for lacrosse isn’t a personality trait, but body odour might become one soon. (Take a shower.)
Sagittarius: Going to the school shop three times a day won’t solve your problems, but you do you…
Capricorn: Relax. A B in RS prep effort won’t ruin your UCAS. (But not doing Bronze D of E will!)
Aquarius: The overdue preps are stacking and the grades are lacking.
Pisces: If you’re going to cry to your parents on the phone, don’t do it in the corridors, please.
This horoscope was…
incredibly accurate, saved my life
eye-opening, inspired me to finally do last week’s math prep
(All of the above)